What “you need to be more confident” really says

“I think you really need to be more confident….” Does this phrase sound familiar? Are you a person who has said this phrase to a colleague in a professional environment? Or perhaps you are a person who has had this phrase said to you instead.

If it’s the latter, how did that make you feel? Did it flick a switch and give you a superhero’s sense of power that you never knew you had? No, I didn’t think so.

I have a real issue with the use of this phrase. Not all the time. If it’s the heartfelt advice of a friend you’ve known forever, with a deep insight into you and your personality strengths and flaws, about a specific situation, then fair enough.

However, if it’s given in the form of ‘advice’ from an office colleague who is happy to throw their weight around and thinks the world of work mirrors their own sense of self-importance then that’s the issue.

You see there are several things wrong with one professional telling another professional that they ‘just’ have to be more confident:

1. If a person lacks confidence, then being told to be more confident is likely to have the opposite effect. At best it’s unhelpful, and at worst damaging. It lands like a crushing blow  which only inflicts more self-doubt and fuels imposter syndrome.
2.  The person dispensing this advice may think they imbue everything that confidence is. Are they really that confident, or do they just like the sound of their own voice too much?
3. As a footnote to two, I could happily talk the hind legs off a donkey and not let you get a word in, but does that make me more confident? Or does that make me a (boorish) bore?
4. It is rarely women who use this phrase.
5. In my experience, if you listen to office alphas – who are particularly fond of using the phrase – that self-belief in their own confidence is rarely backed up by much evidence.
6. And finally, nothing makes you come across more of an Alan Partridge buffoon than rolling this phrase out as if you’ve just invented it!

First of all, it’s important to understand that there is no one size fits all personality, or indeed model of confidence. We all work in different ways.

Confidence can be loud, but it can also come from a quiet place. It can come through in talk, or it can come through in actions.

We all know those confident souls who talk a good talk but are unable to do detail. It’s not just about using personality to clinch the deal, but about backing up promises and delivering through action. Most action takes place in the engine room where confidence follows a different form.
So just because a person doesn’t shout about it, doesn’t mean they aren’t more than capable of doing the job. If you’re someone who has used the ‘be more confident’ phrase, next time stop to consider this.

Find a different way to have that conversation and listen. Don’t forget that being a good listener is a strength. Many of those who are best at being authoritative have this quality which makes them relatable.

For those who have been on the receiving end of the phrase, I would suggest that there is nothing more powerful than pushing back. It may be uncomfortable, but my advice would be to bare your teeth a little and challenge the user of the phrase.

Ask what they mean when they’re saying that. If there is a retort then ask for the evidence. It doesn’t have to be fireworks – in fact it’s important that you do it in your natural voice – but the important thing is not give them a free ride or they will take it and keep going.

At the end of the day, offices are spaces where people have to work together. Because of the nature of work, these are often pressure cooker environments where the air fizzles with stress.

There is no wokery involved in urging people to show a bit more respect and acknowledge that different people have different ways of doing things. Acknowledging that makes life easier… for everybody!